Them there feelings ykno

I'm just gonna start out with a question: Can everybody who reads this tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?


So. I was playing League of Legends with some friends, and though we lost horribly, one of our teammates was nice. It turned out to be a girl. So we added her to the Skype-convo we had going, and played some more with her, and some of her friends.
Now, this girl seemed to have a habit of being a bitch, and for some fucked up reason, her comments got through to me, and hurt my feelings. Not only is this not very normal, but it hurt my feelings really much. So of course, i got mad at her, and told her i wouldn't talk to her. At this time she wasn't in the skype-call, but she was in the chat. My friends kept chatting with her though. Or, one of them at least (it's some time ago, so i sort of forgot some of it). But i am very forgiving, so after a few apologizes and shit, i forgave her, and everything was good. 


But apparently, some of the things she said (the good things) just hit me too hard. It was reason for me not being able to sleep, and roll around for fucking hours or something. And i still can't stop thinking, especially now. Because, today (or night or whatever) she was at a party, or some shit like that. She might have been the host or co-host, since she was able to use her computer, and she got drunk. She would then come back at times, and then leave. And then, one of the times she asked me what i did to stay awake, but then she re-phrased the question into what i would to keep someone else awake. She then told me, that the person, she was keeping awake, was a guy she had made out with.
I don't know why, but this made me sad. Really really sad. I mean, it's not like i've known her for a while. I got to know her the 30. of December.  And it just confuses me, why i feel like i do. Especially because i don't really myself.


But what i don't understand, is why does this affect me. I mean she's just a girl, and always that nice to me. But the worst part is not only how i feel about all of this. It's that she's Romanian and i am from Denmark. I mean. I don't even know where the fuck Romania is?! So why am i developing, what seems like feelings, for someone i hardly know? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!


WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!

I am bored..

So. I am extremely bored right now. I'm in a Skype-call with some friends, but they are playing Skyrim. Both of them. And they are commenting on just about everything, so I'm kind of just sitting here not doing anything. So i decided i would post this, with some of the thoughts I've had through the week(s). Most of them are about how school sucks, but i think there is some which isn't.

Anyway, i had a thought: If there is anything "supernatural" what would it? Personally i think I'm starting to believe in Gaia (or however you spell it) or "Mother nature". Especially because it makes the fact that i hate homework more tolerable. If you think of it this way: If Mother Nature wanted me to do homework all my life, wouldn't she have given birth to me with a pencil and paper? I would if that was what i wanted for everybody. Of course there's also the more 'Humoristic' (or something) part of it. Like, if Mother Nature wanted me to bathe, wouldn't she have given birth to me in a lake? So i or something like that. At least it would make it come more natural.

 That is sort of one of the reason why i want to live in a camp or something. Where people don't care about hygiene or if you're wearing the same shirt for the 5th day in a row. How awesome would that be? That would wonderful, not having to change your clothes all the time. I'm just tired of all the 'chores' you have to do. Why is it, that i can't just do what i want? I don't want to do any of this.

I'm just sitting here, in my chair, "talking" to some friends. Well, it's not really talking, since i'm not saying anything. I'm listening to Volbeat while half-following their conversation, which in itself is hard enough, considering my current state of mind. I just want to retreat. Into myself. I do not desire going to school. Nor do i deserve. I don't want to sit home all day, partly because i know it's depressing. Considering i hardly have any friends, i don't want to go outside either. When you look at me in comparison to an average teenager:

When all the others are out drinking, partying and generally having a good time, I am sitting at home playing.
When all the others are doing their homework and preparing for school, I am sitting on my computer playing.
When all the others move away from home and get families and a job and have a good life, I will be sitting on my computer playing.


I have no life, nor do i desire one. 




As i just read in a "friends" blog, if i don't get good grades, i won't be able to do anything, and that is bullshit. I can be better than everybody at something, but i need to get good grades in something completely irrelevant to be able to do that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY. I think it's all bullshit and a part of the systems plan to keep us down... 


Anyway i can feel that i might cry, so until next time!

BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT EVERYWHERE!

Ohhai. I just realized how full of bullshit the danish music industry really is. For an example: there is this one guy. Kidd. He can't sing, he can't rap, he can't do fucking shit. But right now, he is like famous as fuck. Everybody either hates him. Or loves him. It's fucking bullshit. Why can't people stop giving people, like that, attention. Just make them go away, and let the real artists get their fame. Instead of listening to Kidd and Justin Bieber, they could be listening to bands like I Fight Dragons (for the nerds) and Black Skyline (for metal heads or something)! I mean, there's music for everyone. If someone wants to listen to pop, why not listen to the good things? Like Depeche Mode or something like that. It's really a waste of time. I mean, if one tries to say it to fans of the bad artists, they just say that i'm jealous. But they don't realize, that i'm not jealous. At all.. If anything, i feel sorry for bad artists. This is turning to repeating myself. So FUCK THIS. See ya

lolwat

Yeah. This is the first time i'm blogging in, what, a year? Close at least. I just felt like doing this shit after i saw a friends blog. Or, i don't know if it's a friends, but at least a friend of a friend's blog. 

He wrote something about being scared of picking subjects in school, and that made me realize for the 6th time: I really don't give a shit. 

School, to me, is hell. I never do anything. I barely do my homework. I turn in most of my assignments, but when it says i should use about 2 hours on it, i use 15 minutes. It's boring and it's a waste of my precious time.

And it doesn't help that i just found out that the rules suck too. We have this internet thing where we have to turn in all of our assignments, so we don't get put in "homework prison", or whatever. And i am alright with this. Problem is, that one of the teachers says she also want them turned in, by hand. And i personally think that that is fucking bullshit. Why the fuck would they use the internet for stuff like that, when the teachers can just say they want it turned in by hand, and then we have to do it. It's fucking bullshit. I don't want to turn in my assignments twice. Just because one fucking teacher has to do it her bull-fucking-shit way. And did i mention that we aren't allowed to swear in her classes? We aren't. We can't swear at all! Or she'll send us outside the door, and say that we weren't there for about 50% of the time. It's fucking bullshit!

Because of this, i'm really considering dropping out. But since my mom will probably get really really pissed at me, if i do, i've also thought of moving. I even have a friend who said i could live with him. But i don't want to bother him. Nor his family. And in the end, i'm probably going to finish school and shit. Even though i am truly fucked. So far, i haven't been listening to anything. I'm just staring blankly into space, or writing notes. And when i write notes, i miss about half of everything. It's all bullshit anyway. I just want to play my music. 

All of this reminds me of when i blogged more. Or when i just made like two or three posts all in all. They would be like 1,5 pages long, because i just kept thinking about random shit. But i don't want to talk about that now.


I think that's about it for this one.. Fucking teachers. They can just go fuck themselves. Except my mother. She's cool


Anyway, i didn't think i would ever make a new blog post, but yeah.
Until next time!

That special someone

So, hey world. You know that feeling you get when you're with that special someone, and they don't know how you feel? That tickling feeling in your stomach? The way your hands get all sweaty and you feel like you're high? How it feels like the room gets ten times hotter than before? That feeling that says 'Tell her! Tell her now!' that's arguing with other one that says 'She don't like you. It's a silly dream. Nobody likes you. Nobody ever will'? The way you get both sad and happy thinking about her? 

Well i have that now. I think i'm in love. With this girl from my school. This beautiful and sweet girl. She's just so perfect in my eyes. I don't know what to do. It's like 'She'll never like me!' Especially because she could get any guy she would want. There's no way i'd ever get a girl like that. There's no way i'd ever get a girl... And i don't know why i'm even writing this. Probably because i want somebody to know about this.. So yeah. I just needed to get it out. 

That's it for today.. Sorry for not being active, but yeah. too much thinking, sleeping, school, games, music, etc etc etc. and no time. Probably won't be more active from now on, but yeah. I'll post once in a while

keep rockin'

Chick attack.

SO. Was attacked this friday.. By a girl.. She got mad in the train because she thought we made too much noise. Not just a little annoyed, no. She got really fucking pissed off. I couldn't really take her seriously, so i laughed and she hit me. When we got off the bus, she followed us and attacked me, Didn't get injured too badly. Got away with a black eye.. And a scarred mind. People here at the... Boarding school? I think. Some of them laugh at me. Last night this one guy in particular couldn't stop laughing because "You got beat up by a girl!". But of course. He didn't know that i didn't fight back.. At all. I didn't even try. And most people don't understand. This morning one guy actually asked me why i didn't do anything. I didn't know. The only people who actually said i did a good thing, not hitting her, was my mom and one of my very good friends. Which kind of lead me to the next thing, which i am kinda ashamed off... This sounds really childish, but i want my mom. I miss her really much, and she's like the only one who understands me.. Right now i just want people to leave me alone.. I wanna go home. I don't want to be here right now.. But i have to. I'm going home next weekend.


Well then.. A little drama to my life, bad Psyche all that shit. Maybe someone will start to read this soon. 


Have a nice day..

Pre-story for last time

My first post this year. And as i said, this will be a prequal to the other post. There is kind of a lot about sex, or cyber sex. just to warn you:

So. As i said earlier, i had this "girlfriend" and a lot of shit happened. Well. There is something that should be considered. You see.

It all started when i broke my leg. I just stayed home in the first week, and i just sat alone in school. My social life (which was almost nonexisting) went downhill. Nobody visited me. So i used my computer more and more, and eventually i found this website. Kongregate.com. If you don't know it, it's a gaming website with a lot of games. Well, they had chat-rooms,  including danish, which is the language i speak. And i started "socialising" more and more with them. And i started making friends. For example this guy called godric and a girl called mariedue. There were one who was a little bit different than the others. It was this girl, yindoom, and we got quite good friends. She played bass. And she was into metal, like me! So we started this online "band" were she would sing and play bass and would play the drums. It was awesome. It wasn't like actually being in a real band, i think it was more a friend thing. But i liked it.

Then she got into a band, but she said we could still have our online band, which i of course were happy about.

Then some time passed where nothing much happened. It got winter. Christmas was great. Then at new years evening 09/10 i got ill. I had gotten appendicitis, and went to the hospital. They removed it, and i stayed for a day or two, and then i went home. That week i was allowed to stay home, and i was of course on kongregate.com. Then yindoom came online, and she started doing some things. Sexual things. She couldn't do it in real life, but she did it on roleplay (which you can read about somewhere else). And i were confused. Because she had a girlfriend, and she said she weren't bi?? But i kind of rejected her. But then i really started liking her. I think i liked her for a long time, without knowing it. Then one of my other very good friends, who had gotten into this "marriage" thing, where she gets online married with somebody. It was kind of fun. But that friend wanted to get married again, and then yindoom said she wanted to get married too. And she asked me, and i said yes. I couldn't see why not. And we got "married". Then, in the evening, she implyed that we had sex by saying i got her pregnant. Of course this was just for fun. But then. I don't know who started it, but we of some reason just had cyber-sex. Roleplay style, in private chat. And it was the best. I really liked it. And we just had this relationship, with cyber-sex and me loving her, and, i think and hope, her loving me. But then her girlfriend broke up with her. And she was sad, which made me sad of course. And I didn't talk so much with her at that time. I loved her. I loved her a lot. And i still love her. But.

After she got over her girlfriend, she said that she was leaving to find somebody else. She was leaving kongregate to find another girl-/boyfriend. I was devistated. I just wanted to die.

A couple of months later i was told by another friend to get on the computer. I am told by this guy Jacob, that yindoom has been in an accident. She was hit by a car,, and she is hurt badly. The next tuesday he tells me that she died monday at 22:55 or something like. I'm not sure. I was broken. Once again, all i wanted to do was to die. I half-heartedly tried to drown myself in a bathtub.

A lot of time passed, and i had my ups and downs. I became friends with a girl called "FallingGirl" or Celine. And that was the girl from the other post.

Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

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keep rockin'