Wat

The cringe
it is real

Mary

So? The old band from the old school, huh? HELL YEAH.
Don't get me wrong, I am still doing horrible, and I am doing what I can to get over the break-up, but this is actually really awesome. I am going today, and I will be gone until Friday evening, I think. And we will be practicing all week, and it's gonna be so good. I can't wait. Even though, I am probably going to sleep in the bus there, because I am tired as fuck.

Well, Despite Downfall is also doing okay, but the drummer does piss me off slightly, because he can't keep a rhythm, and as a drummer this annoys me greatly. Not sure we're going to accomplish anything in that. But Mary is a whole other matter. The guitarist is an awesome guitarist, who in my opinion is a genious. And the singer has an awesome voice, and he writes some of the best songs I've ever heard. And the bassist is my old room-mate, and very good friend. I am really looking forward to this shit, so I guess I am moving on. 

I still think about my ex a lot, but I think it's getting better. I don't cry as often as I used to, but it still happens occasionally. So, I guess generally, I am doing better. I have made a diary specifically for showing my ex, when the time feels right. Other than that, I am just doing everything I usually do.

Laters o/

Well that's disappointing

Well, if anyone read my last post, you can already tell that I failed. And I was gonna try again today, but I decided to walk. I got to the freeway, and I walked there for some time, and then the police came and drove me home. 
And I was in an argument just now, with my ex. I got mad, and told her that I hoped her life would crumble, and just go to hell. I regret that now. I hope that she lives a good life. Finds the perfect man, maybe even have a child. And then I hope he leaves her. I hope he makes her happy, and then makes sure all that happiness is turned against her, and I hope it hurts. I hope she'll look back in her life, and think something like "Why did I leave him?". I loved her. I still do, but I can't do anything anymore. I still have the friends I met through her, and I hope they will always be my friends. And I will keep the promises I made. At least I am going to try. I can't see myself in the future. I really can't imagine how it'll be in a year or so. Well, this is it for now.

The next few days

So, I have decided to kill myself. I'm gonna do it tomorrow.
The plan is that I'll go into a forest or some shit, and then I'll put a plastic bag over my head and wait, while listening to some music.
I find it kinda funny that I have actually planned doing it, and considering how many times I've wanted to just die, it feels so unrealistic. But still, the thought gives me peace. Gonna be nice.

Falling back

So, I've started talking to her again. And I almost got the feeling that shit might work out between us. That we could be together again. But I just realized, yet again, that it won't happen. Now I feel like crying again, so I will just leave this as it is, even though it is short.


o/

Road to perfection

I was at bandpractice last night, and shit was pretty fun. I got drunk again and I was playing worse than ever. Tumbling around like an idiot, and I actually told the rest of the band my situation. The drummer was like 'meh', but the singer actually comforted me a bit. And the guitarist didn't say anytihng, but that's okay, since he is my best friend, and I write with him every day. 

And today I decided to stay home from school, because I felt really weird and tired. And I am hurt pretty much everywhere. But I am sober now, and I am feeling really weird. Like I am trying to deny the fact that I was in love. Trying to look at all the bad things about my ex. Like 'she would be bitching all the time when we played LoL' or 'she wasn't even that attractive'. But this is really a lie. Because I loved her. And she was attractive, to me. To me she was pretty much perfect. Which is why it hurt so much. I can feel that I'll start crying if I write more of this shit. So yeah, just a quick update or whatever.

Also, my band is recording next monday, so I'll try getting the songs up when we get them. 

Until next time. o/

I don't even give a fuck anymore

So, I am back, I guess. Something like it at least. I had totally forgotten everything about this blog. But yeah, as the titel suggests, things aren't as good as they werea few months ago. The girl I mentioned in the latest post, the one who became my girlfriend? Yeah, we broke up last sunday night. She stopped believing in the relationship, and she didn't think it would work out because of the distance. But she said that the thought of the two of us being together in real life made her happy. That she wanted that. So yesterday I thought 'okay. I am going to go to Romania' and I told her, but she said no. Apparently she's gotten over me in less than 3 days. And here I am.. 

For the past 3 days I have gotten drunk every day. Because it makes me feel good. Now, I am not used to drinking, so I haven't been drinking that much. And far from enough to blackout. I haven't really been to school though, but I actually think I am starting to feel better. I mean, I am starting to look at the bright sides:
1: I have absolutely no reason to care about anything anymore, which means I can do pretty much anything I feel like.

2: I don't have to play games with her all the time, because even though I loved her, it stopped being fun playing with her after not very long. I have more fun playing with two of her friends, so yeah. 

3: Now I can live out my old plan for the future. To die in a car-crash, because the guitarist of my band gets drunk and drives, as a 21-year old virgin. And by doing so I give my band a big breakthrough.

But as I said, the last couple of days have been strange. Half the time I've been drunk, and the other half I have been crying, filled with apathy or both. But it does kind of feel good not to care anymore. 

I know I said this too in my last post, but I actually think I might start blogging regularly. I mean, now  I at least have something to blog about. Nevertheless, I WILL write one more post withing the next year... I hope. 

Untill next time. o/